Chief protagonist. Makes ends meet despite unemployment and never actually doing anything. Somewhat oblivious to, well, everything. Full of surprises, sometimes even in a good way. Quite insane, but he does it with style.
Full Name: Philamondrae Schumacher Stein-Xerxes
Font: 11pt, Comic Sans MS
First Appearance: April 21st, 2003
Likes: Computers, Ice Cream, Webcomics, Engaging in quasi-witty repartee
Dislikes: "Sense", "Logic", When the voices in his head all talk at once, Spam
Goals: Employ webcomic to achieve fame and fortune. Follow whim. Do what no man has ever been senseless enough to do before. Pass go, collect $200.
Motto: "If common sense gets in the way, you're obviously not concentrating."
Favourite Song: Return Of The Duke [The Monkey Syndicate]
Phil's enigmatic CO when he (Phil) is moonlighting as an agent of TSIAOFPOVDBNAV. Rarely seen in person, instead communicates by means of various unlikely/impossibly contrived intermediaries. Charismatic in manner, but actually a bit of a git.
Full Name: The Chief (Except for HIS superiors) Of The Secret International Agency Of Forceful Promotion Of Vaguely Defined But Nonetheless Admirable Values
Font: 11pt, Eurasia
First Appearance: September 19th, 2003
Likes: Coordinating The War Against Abstract Evil, Making patronizing motivational speeches, Springing into action to save the day when dramatically appropriate, Not even lifting a single finger in any other circumstance
Dislikes: Litterbugs, Unmotivated Subordinates, Being shunted to a desk job, Spam
Goals: Stomp out active malefactors wherever they may be. Wait for more of same to emerge. Repeat. After several more years of this, retire to Acapulco.
Motto: "Damn, I'm smug."
Favourite Song: Secret Agent Man [Dickies]
More officially referred to as "Task Force Otaku". In effect, every single anime/sentai stereotype ever conceived of rolled into a single battalion of loonies. Simultaneously TSIAOFPOVDBNAV's secret weapon and their greatest source of income through marketing.
Full Name: (Due to the *ahem* high turnover rate in the Booster Squad, it is impossible to list the names of the Squaddies as any such information posted would quickly become outdated)
Font: 11pt, Eurostile
First Appearance: November 30th, 2003
Likes: Flashy equipment, Merchandising, Posing up a storm, Moronic catch-phrases/battle-cries
Dislikes: Reruns, Union fees, Bottlenecks, Spam
Motto: "Ours not to make reply, ours not to reason why, ours but to go super happy fun time death smash die kill!"
Favourite Song: Anything from the sound track of a halfway-amusing Sentai TV series
Erudite canine connaisseur. Companion and oft-ignored adviser of Phil. Outmatched yet determined advocate of sense, reason, sanity. Suffers occasional bouts of self-induced head-inflation.
Full Name: Barksdale T. Dog
Font: 12pt, Trebuchet MS
First Appearance: May 19th, 2003
Likes: The works of Milton, Bach and Camus, Lobster Thermidor doggy biscuits, a good clean philosophical debate, Charlie Chaplin marathons on TV
Dislikes: Speciesist remarks, tasks that require opposable digits, Spam
Goals: Protect Phil from worst ravages of the world, and vice-versa. Overcome inherent difficulties associated with being a talking dog. Stave off imminent nervous breakdown.
Motto: "When you get right down to it, I'm always correct."
Favourite Song: Hound Dog [Elvis]
Daemonic piscine overlord of certain abyssal dimensions. Unwilling tenant of Phil's house. Endless source of unspeakable atrocity. Far more trouble than he's worth.
Full Name: (Cannot be listed here, as it would make your eyes bleed)
Font: 11pt, Impact
First Appearance: May 21st, 2003
Likes: Absolute power over unnumbered souls, The screams of the damned, The taste of kittens and babies ground between his teeth, Reality TV (Now THAT's evil! P454.)
Dislikes: His confinement in the mortal world, Holy water, Goody Two-Shoes-types, Spam
Goals: Regain his preeminence as unholy terror. Raise unstoppable army. Lay waste to world of mortals and beyond. Get a bigger, cooler crown.
Motto: "Unadulterated evil is the true calling for all fish."
Favourite Song: Road To Hell [Blutengel]
Mephishto's trusted right-fin fish, insomuch as any daemon fish trusts another. Paragon of piscine martial pride and ability, marred only by chronic sycophancy.
Full Name: (You couldn't pronounce it if you tried)
Font: 11pt, Papyrus [Bold]
First Appearance: September 22nd, 2003
Likes: Winning glory and fame for his infernal master, Rushing
Dislikes: Slander upon his or Mephishto's bad name, Losing, Foes who provide little to no challenge, Spam
Goals: Conquer, slay, crush, pillage and plunder until there's nothing left to conquer, slay, crush, pillage and/or plunder. Get book/TV/movie deals a-go-go for purposes of retelling of same.
Motto: "'Damned if we do, damned if we don't!' Gods Below, I love being a daemon!"
Favourite Song: Soldiers Of Hell [Running Wild]
Twin remnants of now-extinct fancomic. Ham-fisted "homages" to 16-bit Mega Man games. Residents of Phil's toaster. Expert purveyors of unsolicited tangents.
Full Names: Sprite Phil & Sprite Gil-X
Font: [Phil] 10pt, Comic Sans MS, [Gil-X] 11pt, Palatino Linotype
First Appearance: May 26th, 2003
Like: Imported video games, Hip hop, Kung fu movies, Catgirls (In SP's case...)
Dislike: Larger predators, Dangers posed by ordinary household appliances, Their lack of a real identity of their own, Spam
Goals: Just get some frickin' respect. I mean, seriously, what can't you just love them for who they are? What's wrong with you people? Honestly.
Motto: "We're tiny dudes with equally tiny thresholds for midget jokes."
Favourite Song: Hit 'Em High [Coolio]
Famous Austrian monk largely responsible for the science of genetics. Clandestine amateur in fields of transdimensional metaphysics and woodworking. Almost installed as replacement for Phil & Co. Neophyte student of 21st-century lifestyles.
Full Name: Gregor Mendel
Font: 12pt, Calligraph421 BT
First Appearance: June 19th, 2003
Likes: Peas, Prayer, Quiet hours spent in metaphysical research, Austerity
Dislikes: Discord, Immoderation, Impatience, Spam
Goals: Learn all about modern life. Continue groundbreaking work in botanic genetics. Help rein in "wackier" cast members. Keep a wary eye on Mephishto.
Motto: "Pax Vobiscum."
Favourite Song: Whenever God Shines His Light [Van Morrison & Cliff Richards]
The Disembodied Face Of Mike Tyson
Haemonculus-like visage floating in midair. Companion to Gregor Mendel. Sassy and surprisingly sensitive likeness of dubious professional boxing personality. Closet renaissance man.
Full Name: The Disembodied Face Of Micheal Tyson ("Face" to his friends)
Font: 11pt, Copperplate Gothic Bold
First Appearance: June 19th, 2003
Likes: Chinese food, Televised boxing, Arts & Crafts, Biting things
Dislikes: Insinuations that he likes biting things, Comparisons to Mike Tyson proper, Getting told off by Gregor Mendel, Spam
Goals: Finally kick his inexplicable habit of biting peoples ears off. Eventually. At some stage.
Motto: "Are you saying I bit his ear off? I'm-a bite you!"
Favourite Song: Eat The Rich [Motorhead]
A man on a mission. A mission to find a mission. Preferably one involving pyromaniacal property destruction, in the name of justice, natch. In the meantime, appears to have taken it upon himself to be Phil's bodyguard.
Full Name: He told us "It's a big fat secret". Ten to one that's on his birth certificate.
Font: 14pt, Galant
First Appearance: March 15th, 2004
Likes: Fire-based puns, Lighting fires, Watching fires, Fighting fire with fire, JUSTICE!
Dislikes: Rain, Fire-retardant chemicals, Criminals, Those with no sense of humour, Spam
Goals: Find a suitably heroic niche. Start as many fires as possible in a good cause. Protect Phil's person from bodily harm. Try to figure out what possessed him to make that last point one of his goals.
Motto: "All evil that comes within eight inches of me shall FEEL. THE. BURN!"
Favourite Song: Fire Motif [Lemon Demon]
Psychic Underpants Bear
Headman of mutant bear tribe endowed with incredible intellect and psychic powers by symbiotic underpants. Lives in traditional ursine manner, monastic-style contemplation and holy laundry days notwithstanding. Almost Buddha-like serenity marred only (possibly indelibly) by recent contact with Mephishto.
Full Name: A Bear With Underpants That Give Him Psychic Powers
Font: 14pt, Tahoma
First Appearance: January 5th, 2005
Likes: Breathable fabrics, Tasty fish, Cosmic contemplation, Fresh honey
Dislikes: Disharmony, Starch, Supernatural Evil, Spam
Goals: Goals? Goals imply he has something to achieve, in turn implying he's unhappy as he is. Unlike you, he is far beyond such trivial affairs. Not that he means to preach, or nothing.
Motto: "Any day you wake up is a good day."
Favourite Song: Teddy Bear's Picnic [Traditional]
Multitudinous, faceless interdimensional bureaucrats. Sycophantic servants of unknown higher power or powers. Ruthless producers of Turing's Folly II. Straddlers of fourth wall.
Full Name: Management Of Turing's Folly II And Other Productions Bureau, Senior Level
Font: 12pt, Times New Roman [Surrounded by 2-thick box]
First Appearance: May 16th, 2003
Likes: Lording it over lesser beings, Gloating, Delegation, Bottomless expense accounts
Dislikes: Subordinates giving them sass, Incompetence, Demeaning grunt work, Spam
Goals: Squeeze every possible iota of potential out of TF franchise. Backstab way to promotion. Distance selves from TFII and all affiliated productions, preferably by distance measured in light years.
Motto: "Let them hate, so long as they perform."
Favourite Song: Taking Care Of Business [Bachman-Turner Overdrive]